What is the best thing to do when it happens?
More importantly, how can Mums and Dads prevent it happening?
When children are in the midst of a tantrum, they are letting the parent know that they have a strong feeling and they don’t know how to deal with it. Their frustration comes out in an angry uncontrolled outburst. Whatever the trigger for the tantrum, the job of the parent is to make sure the child is not in danger of hurting him or herself or anyone else, and to let the child know that even though the child is out of control, the parent is not.
Take charge by holding the child, perhaps with flailing arms and legs pointing away from you, and tell the child that you will keep him or her safe.
Trying to talk about what brought the tantrum on, at this point, is usually a waste of time because the child is not in the emotional state to listen and be rational. Any discussion should only come once the child has become calm. You can, however, acknowledge that your child is very upset. Sometimes simply saying “You are really upset, aren’t you?” will bring a helpful response such as “Yes, I’m tired and I want to go home!” You can then deal with this by meeting the need the child has expressed. When the child is calm, you can let your child know how you felt about the tantrum, and look at ways to prevent it happening again.
In fact, I witnessed a two-year old girl throwing a tantrum at Safeway just last night. It was about 6 o’clock and her mother was attempting to put the little girl into the seat in the shopping trolley to go inside. This was not going well and Miss Two was screaming. I observed that the mother was dressed in corporate clothes with stiletto heels. Perhaps she had just picked her daughter up from childcare after work and was on her way home. What was the child feeling, wanting, needing here? She could have been hungry or tired or sick of doing as she was told. Fun time with Mum, food, rest and free play might have been what she was needing, not a trip to the supermarket, sitting in the trolley.
When you’ve worked out what caused the tantrum, it’s important to not give in to an unreasonable demand. For instance, your four-year old says “I want a Freddo frog” the minute you go shopping and you say “No”. He then starts hitting you and yelling “I want a frog!” Giving in and buying the chocolate will teach him that if he throws a tantrum, he will get whatever he wants, and the tantrums will continue.
Preventing tantrums is often easier. Knowing what causes these will mean that you can think ahead and not get into a situation that typically leads to a tantrum. For the supermarket tantrums, think about when these are most likely to happen: on the way home from kinder or school, when the child is probably tired; just before lunch or dinner, when he is hungry; on the way to a special activity, when he is anticipating some fun; or if you have been away from him all day and he just wants to talk to you. Is he not feeling well, or upset about something that happened at school? If you can think about what it is that your child needs when he or she dissolves into tantrum-mode, you can meet that need either at the time, or before the tantrum even happens.
If you have made a promise to your child, and then don’t keep that promise, this can lead to a tantrum as the child’s sense of trust in you has been damaged. Of course, a young child can’t tell you that, all she knows is that she’s not feeling happy about what’s going on.
Young children do not always have the verbal skills to let the parent know how they are feeling and what they need, or the problem-solving skills to work out a solution, so their response can be to lash out in frustration. Helping children gain these life-skills is an important part of encouraging our children towards competence and independence. It’s part of our job-description as parents!
Copyright Janet Powell, The Parenting Coach, Mentor Maestro, 2010
